per D’s request, i made waffles this morning.

i got to go out of the house all by myself. i was giddy all morning. so what if this little break included a visit to the dermatologist. i’ll take anything that i can get on day fifty seven.

but, as i walked down the street to the doc’s office, i realized that the last time i was walking on that street was when little L was in the hospital. today, i could see the PICU window safely from the street below. during those horrible days, my parents would bring D and K for me to visit for twenty minutes outside while they would go inside to see L. it was always so good to see the big kids and i really tried to be the same old mommy to them but i knew that they could surely see right through my exhausted and weak attempts. they know me almost more than anyone knows me. besides B and of course, God.

Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
Luke 12:7

i loved being with them. their little bodies, free of worry. it was so refreshing to breathe that in. but every ounce of me longed to be with my precious little baby. my sick and helpless little baby. i never wanted to leave his side. not even for a few moments. i felt so torn to be the mom that the big kids so desperately wanted but to also be the protector of my little L. all at the exact same time.

this walk brought back so many sharp memories. too many. the things i haven’t thought about in the light of day. the things that i haven’t allowed myself to think about in the light of day. the thoughts i’ve safely shoved way down deep. the thoughts that only creep up as i fall asleep
every.
single.
night.
thoughts of the PICU and of the NICU.

but even though we’re all safe and sound when those feeling bubble up, they are still rock hard and feel like they were happening just yesterday. those countless days, hours, minutes and seconds that were endless. life stood completely and totally
s t i l l.

God has been faithful throughout all of it. every painful breath.
His love and comfort has been unending.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11

and that is what we must rest in. that is what we must cling to.
we must cling to Him with every ounce
of our strengths and will all of our weaknesses.

But he said to me,
“My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

after the appointment, as i walked back down the street,
i relished in how life is so much brighter now.

i treated myself to a delicious lunch at a cute little cafe.
they even served watermelon juice. of course, i just had lemonade because i am not a risk taker. but, i thought about the watermelon.
i really did consider it.

and, i got a sassy new haircut. my dear friend’s blog just talked about how even a haircut is good for the soul.

snuggling with the babe.

our orange-eater.
he happily reported that he ate 12 slices at dinner.

the train tracks D made after the other two kids had gone to bed.
it was in the shape of “ice cream in a bowl.”
what flavor, you ask? chocolate. yep, he’s just like his mommy.

“Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.”
Isaiah 60:1

after such an incredibly touching Bible class this morning, i felt refreshed and renewed. it’s been too long since i’ve felt that way. good thing too because i spent much of the rest of the day on the phone getting much of that goodness drained from me.

whenever i get up in the morning and am not happy about my hair, i am always reminded that it could be worse. thanks for that reminder, K.

this little guy has been really happy today. seriously.
hardly any fusses. and he’s our fussiest baby yet.
he also realized how to make a new sound.
oh, the joys of being 8 months old.

playing with his daddy, but all eyes on his mommy.

a full lap.

getting his massage, like a pro.

what a sweet little thing.

his new “mommy’s super hero” jammies.
look at those muscles.

there’s a lot more refreshment and renewing just for me coming tomorrow. the great thing about being up so much at night with L is that tomorrow will be here before i know it!

i told B tonight that when K doesn’t take a nap it’s like showing up
for work and having them let you know that you’ll be working overtime and won’t be getting paid for it.
it makes for a very long and draining day.
but, there’s always the hope that she will tomorrow.

this guy organizes everything he can get his hands on.
i have absolutely no idea where he gets that.

i also find this the best way to eat my morning snack.

there she goes, hamming it up once again.

K said to me today,
“Mommy, I love you.
Mommy, I love the pillow.”
wow. thanks, babe. i feel so special.

working on our letters.

this boy loves his orange.

the chub angle.
wowzers.

sewing with paper.

K’s cute new sneakers.

goodnight.
sleep tight.
don’t let the bed bugs bite.

i couldn’t clear the dishes from the dining room table this morning because i couldn’t move the clean bath toys from the kitchen counter to the bathroom until i cleaned the bathroom and i couldn’t clean the bathroom while L was asleep (as i can’t chance waking him up… ever) and i couldn’t clean the bathroom while L was awake (because who can hold a baby and clean the bathroom at the same time?). so, things just kind of stayed in their places for the entire day.
and it was okay.
it was actually more than okay.

while playing go fish this morning, when D would ask K if she had a particular card, she would reply “no thank you.”
if it was a game about manners, she would have won.

when you get bored with your toys, there’s always toilet paper!

thanks to the fun idea and the sweet supplies from G,
we did button art! what a fun time we had. i even joined in!

the man that D and K jointly created.

K’s button creation.

today felt like a monday.
although, today was the very last monday of hibernation.
can you believe it?

gotta love that drool.

i had the big kids clean all of their bath toys in the kitchen sink today. with a couple of toothbrushes and some vinegar, the toys were clean and boredom had been avoided. phew.

Auntie B had the brilliant idea of heading out to the beach today.
i could not have done it without her help or
the travel potty we brought along for K.
but if i had to pick one, it would have been Auntie B.

as you can see, it was simply lovely outside today. the moment we touched the sand, D was covered in it from head to toe. it was as if he had been at home for nearly fifty-two days or something.

mountains were created and then quickly destroyed,

the kids did some watercoloring (with a bit of sand mixed in),

and L and i snuggled up the entire time.

i read on an incredible blog about the importance of purposeful mothering. it’s so easy for me to think about all of the things i must do each and every day (laundry, nursing, picking up, cooking, feeding, reading, cleaning, wiping, dishes – although, B does most of those, thinking, planning, wondering, hoping, praying…) and forget about why i am doing all of this and for whom. i lose my focus. it’s like when i don’t look through the viewfinder of my camera and to no surprise, end up with horrible photos.

that’s how today started out. i felt like garfield as i just wanted to climb back into bed. but then, something changed and i remembered that it’s those small teensy tiny almost missable moments that it’s really all about. it’s about being faithful and not perfect. and much too often i focus on the perfect part
(which i am not and cannot be) and forget about just being faithful. i’d love to say that i’ve mastered all of this during this time away from the world but i haven’t. and i probably never will. it will always be a daily struggle. but being conscious of it and being faithful to Him are where i need to be focused.

“Be still, and know that I am God”
Psalm 46:10

out of all the stencils, from sea animals to farm animals to shapes he chose to do this one. D is a little letter obsessed lately.

love.
those.
eyes.

D laughed so hard after doing this to L. i was working in the kitchen and had no idea what the fuss was all about until i turned around. could have been worse. it could have been a tutu.

checking to see which direction the wind is blowing.

pretty in pink.

we had the pleasure of having Grammy visit tonight on her way home from a fun trip. L was already asleep when she arrived, but she did get to see him on the video monitor! that kind of counts, right? not really. both D and K ate up every second with her though and delayed bedtime as much as humanly possible. a good time was had by all.

i should have called in sick today. no, i wasn’t sick. just exhausted. little L was up for over two hours last night and then once he finally did fall asleep… i couldn’t. but, i did get somewhat of a nap this afternoon. it helped a teensy tiny bit. okay, it didn’t really help that much but i’m hoping to be in bed earlier than ever.
i didn’t even take a photo until it was well past 4:30pm.
that’s the kind of day i was having.

our beautiful tree which is looking quite wintry these days.

while K was napping (a.k.a. using the potty) she was admiring my wedding ring. she said that she needs to get married. maybe after rest time. i told her that she would grow up and hopefully find that perfect boy to marry. she said “i cannot see his eyes” and i told her that i couldn’t see his eyes either but that i was praying for him.

looking kind of suspicious. he can’t be thinking of being a stinker again tonight, i hope.

playing some good tunes with his daddy.

a rare shot of me since i have not allowed D or K to use my camera after i sent it in for servicing. (photo thanks to B)

on and off all day long i have had the hiccups.
in other, more interesting news,
we have nine days left of hibernation.
i’m scared.
and i’m tired of hiccuping.

i thought he was building a race track for all of his cars but it was actually a place for them “to watch tv.”
creative or sad?

what a sweetie (when she wants to be).

still a little groggy from his nap. but that’s what lambie is for.

“mommy, i look like you.”
i just have to wonder, is it really that big?

i spent the kids’ rest/nap time reading all about baby brain development. i am inspired, and oh so overwhelmed as to how to help L the very most that i can.

the big kids and i made peanut butter chocolate chip cookies
from this month’s issue of everyday food.
hugely successful. hugely.
and it seriously took like eight minutes
until they were ready to go in the oven.

what a cute little pout.

right now, B and i are sitting on the couch after finishing an incredible dinner. we are both updating our blogs.
how nerdy are we.
very.